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Post by heem6 on Jun 19, 2010 14:09:39 GMT -5
A three-legged dog walks into a cowboy bar.
He stares everyone down. Know what he says?
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw."
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Post by stratznhatz on Jun 23, 2010 13:36:33 GMT -5
A tortoise limps into a police station and says "I've just been mugged by a gang of snails"
The cop behind the desk says "Can you describe the assailants?"
The tortoise replies; "Sorry, it all happened so fast......."
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Post by lbeast on Jun 23, 2010 21:17:28 GMT -5
A tortoise limps into a police station and says "I've just been mugged by a gang of snails" The cop behind the desk says "Can you describe the assailants?" The tortoise replies; "Sorry, it all happened so fast......." P |
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Post by heem6 on Jul 1, 2010 12:35:49 GMT -5
A thief sticks a pistol in a man's ribs and says, "Give me your money."
The man, shocked by the sudden attack, says "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief says, "In that case, give me MY money!"
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Post by stratznhatz on Jul 1, 2010 17:36:50 GMT -5
Ha ha, too true  |
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Post by lbeast on Jul 11, 2010 7:55:24 GMT -5
An American Indian child walks up to the Chief and asks, "How do Indians get their names?". To which the Chief replies, "Whatever the birth mother sees first after she has the baby is what the child is named. Why do you ask Two Dogs F@#*in'". 
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Post by heem6 on Jul 11, 2010 15:39:53 GMT -5
Nice one, Beast!
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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Post by stratznhatz on Jul 11, 2010 16:48:48 GMT -5
An alcoholic, a chain smoker and a homosexual are told by God that if they don't give up their habits immediately they will be struck down.
As they walk along contemplating this, they walk past a bar and the alcoholic spots a drop of beer left on an outside table and can't resist but to gulp it down. A lightning bolt immediately shoots from the heavens and kills him instantly.
Shocked, the other two walk on down the street. After about half a mile there is a half smoked cigarette lying on the floor. The chain smoker looks at it longingly. The gay guy says 'Honey, if you bend down to pick that up we're both dead!'
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Post by lbeast on Jul 11, 2010 19:44:46 GMT -5
Awesome Jim.
Yep complete nonsensical religion. Real dark ages way of thinking there. The word "Oxymoron" comes to mind. The bacon one was great. I think I'm going to go wipe my ass with some bacon and eat it. Bacon & ass sandwiches anyone? LOL
Stratz,
I almost shot coca cola out of my nose. I would have said "coke", but I don't want anyone to get any ideas. 
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Post by Bodaggit23 on Jul 11, 2010 23:26:29 GMT -5
Bravo guys!
I second the "spit take" reaction by lbeast...
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Post by stratznhatz on Jul 12, 2010 16:00:58 GMT -5
Awesome Jim.
Yep complete nonsensical religion. Real dark ages way of thinking there. The word "Oxymoron" comes to mind. The bacon one was great. I think I'm going to go wipe my ass with some bacon and eat it. Bacon & ass sandwiches anyone? LOL
Stratz,
I almost shot coca cola out of my nose. I would have said "coke", but I don't want anyone to get any ideas. Ha ha, Beast, you don't need to tell any jokes dude, almost every post you do cracks me up, and this one is a prime example! ;D |
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Post by heem6 on Jul 26, 2010 19:14:43 GMT -5
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
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Post by lbeast on Jul 27, 2010 11:37:27 GMT -5
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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Post by heem6 on Jul 27, 2010 14:43:15 GMT -5
Hahahaha!! I'm sending that one to my Christian friends!
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Post by stratznhatz on Jul 27, 2010 16:04:04 GMT -5
Ha ha! Great stuff guys. I had to read yours three times Jim before the penny dropped, I must be getting dumb in my old age! |
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